Big Blue Collar Thing Embarrasses Bulldog!

Dear Lucy,
This is an emergency. My mom took me to the vet this morning without even feeding me breakfast. She told me they were going to fix my cherry eye. I thought this was strange as I do not have a cherry for an eye, but along I went because I like the vet. They give me treats.
At any rate, Mom left me all day, and that is not the worst part. When she came to pick me up, they put this giant collar on me. I thought for sure Mom would take care of this problem, but no she thinks it is really cute and keeps telling me that my cherry eye is gone!
Lucy, I have no periferal vision. I can not scratch

anything. I can not even see my male parts. I hope they are still there. I will look like a fool in the yard, and Penny keeps tugging on the edge of this big blue burden. Have I mentioned that blue is way not my color?

Embarrassed in Blue,
Truman Gamble

Truman,

You're being so dramatic! First, it looks like your male parts are still there. So you can stop worrying about that!

A cherry eye is a gross red thingy that grows in a dog's eye. It is yucky looking and scares little kids. So you should be glad that's fixed. Your vision will be so much better you'll wonder how you lived without it! You will be able to scratch much more efficiently after this.

It really doesn't look that bad, and I bet you won't have to wear it for more than a few days. When your mom and dad let you out in the yard, just do your business quickly and get back up on the porch. You can use the excuse that it's really hot and you'd just rather be back inside. In a few days you'll probably go back to the vet, and they'll give you some treats and tell you it's time to take the silly blue thing off. I know it seems like you'll have to wear it forever, and you feel humiliated. But be patient. It'll be off in no time, trust me!

Love,

Lucy

The Night I Ate Travel Toothpaste...

...my breath was minty fresh!

Le Sigh.

The pictures speak for themselves. SIGH.

Dixie Wants Own Bathroom, Charlie Wonders If He Should Give Bird A What-For

Dear Lucy,

When do I get my own bathroom?

Love,

Dixie

Dixie,

To put this delicately, it's simply a matter of output, or "productivity" as I like to call it. The more productive you are in your current bathroom, the more inclined your mother will be to get you your own bathroom. Your mother doesn' t like cleaning the litterbox, and those mechanical ones are expensive. But if you make it cost-effective enough for her to get one, you'll surely have your own bathroom in no time!

Love,

Lucy

Dear Lucy,

What do you think the chances are I could perform a cat-like jump from my 3rd-story balcony to the tree 20 feet away so that I can catch that pesky little bird that always taunts me?

Charlie

Charlie,

As a good-faith advice-blogger I cannot encourage you to make this jump. All I can tell you is that you need to control your anger before it controls you! That little bird is no match for you, and you don't need to risk your own safety just to teach it a lesson. The little bird has probably has a bit of a Napoleon complex and taunting you makes him feel better about himself. He really doesn't know who he's messing with! You can distract yourself by taking a nice long bath or tearing a few laps around the house. By then your anger will have subsided and you won't have put yourself in harm's way just to show up some little idiot bird. He's not worth it, Charlie!

Love,

Lucy

DTR: Bulldog Oversteps Bounds, Baby Is A Little Put Off

Lucy,

My name is Grady. I'm one year old and I have a best friend named Winston. He's a bulldog but more like a big brother. This is a picture my mommy took of us, she totally blocked our view!

Winston and I usually get along well. We hang out. I throw toys for him to run and fetch. I kick him, pull his ears, and walk all over him. He loves it!

Last weekend we ran into a huge problem. I was sitting in my pool out front because it was H.O.T. outside and all of a sudden, Winston got in too!

At first I didn't mind, in fact it was kinda fun. But then mommy and daddy got really excited and started taking all these pictures of Winston and I... got... jealous. Plus he took up the whole pool!

So, Lucy, can you help me? I want Winston to be my best friend, but I don't like him using my things! What should I do?

Grady

Grady,

You need to have a DTR with Winston. "Discuss the Relationship." At some point, every relationship needs this, and it's hard to establish all of your relationship expectations beforehand. So don't feel guilty. You are best friends, and for a while things have been going smoothly. Everything has been fun, and suddenly things get heavy. Winston gets in the pool with you, and totally crowds your space and hogs the attention. Not to mention, the pool is now full of dog-water! You have every right to be bothered.

First, be honest with Winston and tell him how you feel. Then, be sure to listen to him. Could it be that Winston is feeling unappreciated? You said he is like your big brother. He probably spends a lot of time guarding and protecting you. You get a lot of special attention, being the baby. And could it be that you are a little rough on him, what with the kicking, ear-pulling, and walking on him? Winston might feel a little bit taken advantage of, so he took the opportunity to get in your space and try to grab some of the attention. Winston doesn't want to hurt you. He is just searching for some love and validation. Also, you said it was really hot, and Winston probably just wanted to cool off. Sometimes bulldogs need to beat the heat just like us!

I'm not trying to negate your feelings, Grady. You have a right to be annoyed with Winston's behavior. But Winston loves you, and you love him! So the best thing to do is to be honest with him, share your concerns, and forgive each other, because you're best friends! That's what best friends do.

I know it will all work out with you and Winston!

Love,

Lucy

Bulldogs Are Beautiful, Inside and Out

Dear Lucy,

I am a 45 pound English Bulldog who is a bit full-figured. I mean I think I look great, but recently,my mother has put me on a diet. She has come up with this seemingly random goal weight of 38 pounds! I mean, who weighs that? Further, she is feeding me this diet dog food, only a cup and a half per day at that. This new diet food bag has a photo of a very thin, in shape bulldog standing in a field of wildflowers...need I say more? At any rate, clearly this dog is a model and has nothing to do but workout and eat right. My boyfriend Truman still finds me very appealing.Why can't my mom just love me for who I am?

Desperately Hungry,

Penny Mae Gamble

ps. Could you please include diet tips, as I know yourecently lost a lot of weight. You look hot by theway!

Penny,

Thanks for the compliment! Remember, I know your mom too. Listen, I have to tell you something about her. She's a little bit obsessed with her dogbabies. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that! I don't know where she got 38 pounds either. But did she ever say you had to look like the bulldog on the bag? No, she just wants you to be healthy and happy. Don't read too much into it! Every bulldog is different, and you are beautiful just the way you are. Truman thinks you have lovely, shapely legs. He says they look just like a juicy, tender, tasty turkey leg from the fair, and he'd like to nibble on one. Oh wait, that's me. Oops! Sorry, sorry.

Over the past year, I have lost over 25 pounds, just by eating one sensible meal per day and lots of exercise. I only get two cups per day, and that's not a lot either! Don't hoover it all down at once. Savor every little bite! Maybe you can ask your mom for two cups a day, and have one cup twice a day. That way you won't feel so deprived!

Remember, beauty comes from the inside. Truman loves you, and so do I. Even though I chomped on you once. It was just... I don't know what came over me. I love you!

Love,

Lucy

Horse Confused About Why Some Hay Is Off Limits

Dear Lucy,
I am an experienced human expert, but I am confused about one aspect of their behavior, and I hope you can help. I've noticed that sometimes as a special treat, they will hand hay or oats to us in their hands, which extend outward from their bodies like front legs. I have always thought the proper etiquette was to gently take the treat with your lips, not allow teeth to touch their tender skin, and, if necessary lick gently to get all remnants of the treat WITHOUT BITING. But they have also started approaching me while bearing hay and straw on top of their heads, decoratively woven into a sort of headcovering. I appreciate the gourmet presentation, but when I try to apply the same eating etiquette to accept these offerings, they react . . . unfavorably. I've asked my fellow horses about this, and they are also confused. What is the proper way to eat the headcovering treats?
Please advise,
Runarray

Please find enclosed Ex.A showing the dilemma.

Runarray, how confusing! Even more tempting is the way you can just grab this gourmet hay without even touching the human! It would seem like they're just trying to make it easy for you.

Well, this hay headcovering is called a "hat," and most humans wear them to keep the sun off their faces, or just to make people think they are cool, a la Urban Cowboy. The proper way to eat these hay treats is to avoid hesitation. When you see a chance, grab it, and put some distance between yourself and the human. Ideally, a tall and/or barbed wire fence that they would have to waste time climbing over, and on the otherside of a wet patch of mud and poo. If by then you haven't eaten the treat, or they get to you first, show them you mean business by pointing your buttocks at them and shifting your weight on your back feet. Some fearless humans will not stop at that, but the point is to scare them, not really kick. If they really want it back they'll get it, but by then hopefully you've either eaten it or rendered it unacceptable for wear. Then they'll just let you have it. Whatever you do, don't hurt your human. If you do, they'll just longe you for hours and that's a pain in the butt. Totally not worth it for one gourmet hay treat.

Love,
Lucy

The Ugly Dachshund

I really heart this movie! There's Brutus, just babysittin' and keepin' a good eye on things, and those silly wieners go to town with that yarn the second their mother leaves! WHAT? Brutus gets blamed for everything? Poor Brutus! He was trying to warn them! He tried to make them stop!

Baby Nearly Ruins Everything, Dog Confused & Sad

Dear Lucy,

My name is Trooper. I’m in need of some advice. My mom just recently had a baby…a human baby. Since the arrival of this new baby, I’ve been getting in lots of trouble. Mom yells at me when I bark, jump on the bed, or scratch at the back door. I can’t seem to do anything right. I’m finding that I’m spending more and more time outside…not by my choice. Do you know if my Mom will ever go back to the way she was before this baby?

By the way, mom thinks its way cute to take my picture with it…I don’t. Help!

Hi Trooper!

It sounds like you are in the same predicament as lots of other dogs. Personally, I love baby humans. I love to lick 'em all over. I lick their little cheeks, and their toes, and their armpits. They taste like sugar and chicken! But remember, we must never put these tasty little morsels in our mouths. Just lick!

I'm sorry your mom yells at you all the time. Your mom is stressed out by this fat little human, and unfortunately she takes it out on you. Try doing the things that used to make your mom laugh, like rolling joyously around on the floor (but out of her way). Try sitting sweetly on the sofa, or on the porch and wag softly. While doing this, point your nose down, and look up with your eyeballs. This is known as "puppy dog eyes." Are you familiar with this? You probably do it a lot and don't even know it! Whatever you do, always do your doodies outside. If you accidentally let one go, sit calmly and make the expression I described above. If all else fails, you can send her on a guilt trip by whimpering and running to the closet to hide.

As for the picture taking, I think you're out of luck for a while. But remember, never growl or snap. Just get up and move, and the blob will roll off. Your mom will eventually give up.

I hope this helps, Trooper! Thanks for e-mailing, and keep in touch!

Love,
Lucy

Ah, it was a good day! Good night!

I'll be dreaming of Cheetos tonight, flying through the air....

Seriously, mom says I might have to sleep on the porch....

Tailgating!

OH WOW, What a day! Mom took me to work today, to the office tailgate party! Here's Lori's grill, cookin' up the dogs...

Hey there mom, you've got something on your shirt. Look that way...no left, down... SNARF!

It was a plate lickin' smorgasbord!

Thanks to all the girls at the office for lovin' on me, all the plate licking, Fritos, Cheetos, Ruffles, Chili, and one and a half dogs. Unfortunately, mom is really paying for this tonight. UGH! She's about to pass out. Sorry mom!

Look at mah peppers!!!

I went outside this morning, and there were more peppers. And one of them is RED! Check it out.

Also, there were some new 'maters. They are so pretty! Mom can't wait to eat them. We also have some green beans coming, but they were too shy for a photo today. So maybe next time.

New Chain Collar Meets Mixed Reviews

Today mom's boss suggested that she get me a new kind of collar. I was all excited, thinking maybe it was something new and pretty, or maybe something that tasted like bacon. Boy, was I surprised! I'm not sure what I think of it yet, but I know what mom thinks of it! She thinks it's GREAT. She says it's like walking a "new dog." Well, if you want a new dog, why don't you just go out and get one, I say? Am I not good enough for you and your fancy walking behavior? HUMPH.





Mom thinks it's going to help me a lot, and says it already has. She says it keeps me closer to her side, and will keep me from trying to chase other dogs and critters. SIGH. She says I'll get over it, and trust her it is way better than some of the other collars that were in the store. Some of them had spikes on them! I am a lucky yellow dog that my mom loves me so much.

SIGH.

Sunshine,On My Shoulders, Makes Mee Happeee!

Mom and I went to Grandma's to wish her happy Mother's Day! Mom had a lovely steak lunch with Grandma and PaPa, none of which she shared with me. Humph. Here I am on Grandma's porch.

God Bless America, won't these patriotic people let me in the house?

Well, mom promised me we'd stop at a rest stop to play on the way back, and get Sonic! We stopped in the lovely dot of Hye to take a quick photo. "Hi, Hye!" (ha ha)

This is what we got, seeing as it's hard to pull over many places in Hye without getting run over. Here is the Post Office. Behind the post office were some men playing washers, proving that human beings do actually exist in Hye. In the distance you can see mom's grayish-green fixer-upper dream house. No really, she's not kidding. She likes that house. Trust us, you'd have to see it in person.

Anyway, then we said, "Bye, Hye!" (ha ha, bet no one has ever said that on their way through Hye, Texas)

Next, we visited the pretty rest stop just past Hye. Willie was singing "Angel Flying Too Close To The Ground." Sigh. We drank water, and ate the last mozzarella stick. Here I am! Flowers! Sunshine! Blue Skies (Smiling at Me)! I made up my own little song, which I'm singing here:

"I luf Texas in dee spreengtime,"

"I luf Texas on dee side of dee road,"

"I luf Texas in dee spreengtime..."

"I luf flowers on dee side of dee road."

I think Willie would be proud of my song. So would John Denver. Sigh. I can't wait for the next road trip!

Sorry I was a little rambly today. I'm such a happy yellow dog! Hope everyone has a great week!